the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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