gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
