I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
