He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
