She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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