i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
