we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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