the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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