Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
