Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
