If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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