he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
