I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
