I wanna bring you to show and tell
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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