My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
