I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
