nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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