I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
