This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Randomize
