Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Randomize
