All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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