I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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