so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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