i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
We left an ass print on the piano.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
