They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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