I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
