he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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