someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
