So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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