Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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