Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
