In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I woke up under a house in Key West
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