Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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