my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
