I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
