the condom got lost in my hair
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
