my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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