I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
