we're chasing vodka with high fives
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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