i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
