He asked to "fluff my boner.."
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
