her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
