My Higher Power is John Stamos
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
