guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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