I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
