Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
