better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
