Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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