the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
it's great music for shaving your balls
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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