Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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