I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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