there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
